Real Life

Sometimes, just being alive is the trigger.

That is the epitome of my experience with PTSD resulting from intense and continuous childhood sexual abuse.

When the memories came up I spent six months telling my mentor I couldn’t believe I was still alive. And then I spent almost three years suicidal.

It is exactly four years since I entered the hospital in a series of four attempts to save my life because I actually wanted and had a plan to take it.

Real life is harsh.

It’s what horror movies are based on.

I’m happy to be alive.

I am also extremely depressed.

Intense trauma therapy will do this to someone. It’s like ripping out all of my insides, performing life saving surgery on each organ without the degree and training, and then being asked to eat them.

What some people call a normal day like going to work, making dinner, and going on a walk with their spouse I call my battles.

There are times that what is normal for others is a war for me and I have to armor up. Tomorrow I’ll need to draw warrior lines under my eyes. Because I’m up in the middle of the night with more nightmares and I want to do what’s best for me, but don’t know the answer. Again.

It won’t always be this way. I know this.

I’m doing the work.

I’m also doing the playing.

And the dance.

I’ve been on the waiting list for a support group. I need this. Some people just don’t understand what it’s like when you could never trust anyone.

If I’ve learned anything it’s that I am trustworthy.

Finally I believe that.

I can’t wait to understand what I’m saying.

If you are reading this. Just know you are the only one who can do the work. And you can. If you are reading this. I believe you can. Trust the unknown parts of yourself and somehow be okay with the trials and mistakes. It’s the in between moments that really mean the most.

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When I Think of You

I turn woozy

From love

Dizzy from gratitude

Please love me always

My body yearns

For your hands

And my soul for your

Laughter and smile

When I Think of You

I hear your voice

And I melt

Here I am

A cliche

A girl in love

Just wanting you

I never knew I would be

So lucky

To meet you

Even though

The way my heart

Does greet you

Feels like the thousandth

Time

Like we have done this before

In every life

Like you are it

The one I welcome to

Sit

In silence

And hold your hand

As life stands still

And as life goes by

When I Think of You

I just fall in love

All over again

© 2018 Raechel

You’ve Changed Everything

You have

Changed Everything

With just

Who you are

The way you breathe

How you smile

Move and love

I love the space you have

In my life

World

Home

And heart

You’ve Changed Everything

Naturally

With who you are

I laughed the other day

Telling you I think we are still

In the honeymoon

Stage of our relationship

You smiled and said

That could last decades

I like the sound of that

When you say things like that

I feel in my bones

You’re sincerity

I’m raptured

The way you love me

It’s the first of this kind

I truly trust

Even when you aren’t

Lying beside me

I know I can always

Count on you

There is a bond

Deeper than words

A connection we have wielded

That is firm

I’m grateful to know

This love

Through you

You’ve changed everything

With your tenderness

Your intellect

Your stability

Your commitment

I like falling in love

Eyes wide open

Keeping it real

With you is my favorite

It’s actually brought

More romance

And appreciation

It’s safe with you

No ulterior motives

You just enjoy me

And love me

I’m so happy to do the same

With you

Because

You’ve changed everything

© 2018 Raechel

Break Me

Please
I need you to break my heart
Just one more time
Like that time in the attic
Or the one in the front yard
This time I want it
Not for punishment
Not because
I believe I deserve it
And not because it’s
The only love you know
But because
Hoping for you
Is like eternity
In prison
If you break me
Just once more
I think
I believe
I can release you
Let you go
Let you be
© 2018 Raechel

My Bones

My Bones
Used to cry out to me
At night
I’d dream of skeletons
How they haunted every corridor
I travelled
“Please” I whispered
“Leave me be,
I buried You under the pine tree.”
During the day
My Bones would punish me
Hollow they wailed
Echoes of their pain
Brought me crippled
To my knees
As every illusion crumbled
Taking my very breath away
But now after years
In the dark
I have gathered
Almost every bone
The secrets that they share
Bring me to my knees
In prayer
Divine light fills
Every empty crevice
As I walk hand in hand
With my Skelton
I wear her skulls
Upon my earlobes
So she reminds me
Of the other secrets I
Once buried
How bravery, courage, and dignity
Have always been mine
That purity cannot be stolen
Tarnished
Or wiped away by another
Even though I suffered
The greatest betrayal
I have chosen
Over
And over
My primal right to survive
And I thank my bones
For being glorified
With healing and love
Creating space
By my own design
My Bones carry me, hold me,
And contain me
I am solid, certain,
And definite
© 2018 Raechel

Did Not Ask to be Here

I believe

Hardcore

That I deserved

And deserve

Your hatred and abuse

I want to be punished

For my existence

It is all I have known

From you

When in my crib

I reached to hold your face

But only a monster

Kissed me back

You stole all of me

My purity

And manipulated

My unconditional love

For you

I would do anything

How is it not my fault?

If you

Of all people could deliver such

Evil

Far in the depths

I believe and wonder

Why my soul

Received such hate

Straight from

Your womb

Some purpose

Or punishment for another

Life I led

But your words stick with me

Children,

Did not ask to be Here

And so I know

You were wrong

You were sick

And

You were broken

Because even you,

Of all people,

Know I didn’t ask to be Here

I didn’t ask to be soiled

Under your thumb

Shushed in the dark corner

A sliver of silver light

Always played upon my face

From in between the lace

Curtains guarding your bed

It warmed and delighted me

Enthralled I couldn’t remember

What you did

The deepest precious

Sacred corners

Of my soul

Were inviting me

Into life

The adventures I led

Are none of your doing

My inner will

Is triumphant over

Even you

My unconditional love

And my purity

Could never be stripped

Because in every second

I knew

That I didn’t ask for this

Silver light poured me a crown

And protected my head

For every tear

I would someday shed

The pain frightens me

But the joy beckons

I didn’t ask to be Here

I wanted to be

And I choose to stay

Because I want to be Here

Alive

No matter what

I say yes

To myself

And to life

© 2018 Raechel

Fear

I am afraid to feel

This giant story I have

Danced round and round

For so long I worried I would

Disappear

My dearest companion fear

And then

For so long

I yearned

To disappear

Today

I still feel

How the fear

Does squelch my fire

How it hovered

Suffocating

The life from it

Somehow

I still hold

This giant need to release

Into nothing

To simply disappear

And allow my story to become

Deceased

It’s a long hall I see

When I wake

The light is always gone

For a while I learned

To light my own way

And I promise I still

Know how

But once more

I want to be

Hidden

And alone

Please no one hear me cry

No one hear the sorrow

Betrayal makes

Leave the pieces of my hands

Shattered on the floor

I will let her stand

For I love her so

And for her I would do

Anything you know

She never had to brain wash me

Although she did

I was built of stars and love

Coming when she called

And after I hid

So she didn’t have to see

The damage she did to me

I couldn’t possibly believe

She enjoyed that part

So I would crawl

Alone

To the bathroom

Clip the skin from my hands

Punishing myself

Because I made her this way

It was me

Her miracle

Who was also her curse

Someday

When she lies in a hurse

She will be free

Of me

And the monster

I made her be

And the fear today

Sits gently

Beckoning me back

To an old path

Of denial

Welcomes as I cross the threshold

And leaves me

Shrieking

In my own bile

Because the memories

Still play peek a boo

For I am a baby

These sights are too vial

Hush little girl

Don’t make a sound

Fear is going to

Keep you nailed to the ground

© 2018 Raechel

The Spiral

It is really slow

At times

Others

It swallows me whole

Spits me back out

But leaves it’s hand

Ever so ready

To yet again

Bury me alive

In the memories

Some times

I lay on the bed

My body in the

Form of an s

You radiate death

Although

You brought me

Forth into life

Your body curls up

In the corner

By the pillow

How you hate yourself

But love your game

Nights were never mine

Neither were the days

I don’t see your hands

Because I wish to be

Elsewhere

I don’t want to do this

Anymore

And so I curled up

Like an s

Let everything go black

And evaporate

Like the steam from

Boiling water

The spirals on my pink

Notebook

Are beautiful

But they are only pretend

I go round

And round

With no end

© 2018 Raechel

This Violence in Me

I believe I am you

In the memories I am me

But there must be a reason

You would desecrate my body

Yell at me

For defecating myself

At three years old

This Violence in Me

Is fierce

Tsunami force

I barely put the knife down

When I was eight

You live in Me

Having violated my temple

In absolutely everyway

You ooze from my pores

And run in my veins

I try to crawl from my own skin

But the ripping never hurts

Not like the betrayal

You bestowed on me

The day of my birth

Rejected as an infant

For your vile fantasy

Passed around like a drink

My body from my mind

Became deceased

This Violence that lives in Me

Is electric

Lightening bolts from heaven

Shot straight through your heart

I’ve always been a master of disguise

Playing your games for years

I’ve shredded all your lies

Hands are my worst enemy

Never should I hold any

Without suspicion

Or gutting my intuition

This Violence that lives in Me

Makes me feel drunk on power

I think of your blood

That God will someday devour

And though it kills me

I know this is your

Judgement hour

Beware

This Violence in Me

You created

Watch as you self destruct

It will be so delicious

Perhaps I’ll tap my fingertips in delight

To finally see your plight

Because now

I’m just a daughter

Who never had

A mother

And there are days

I can’t rise from my knees

For fear you are around the corner

Daring yet again to strip me outwardly

From within

I’ve had your tombstone prepared

How I loved you

And any moment we shared

You were my

Golden tower

But since I got too old

For your attentions

It’s really gotten sour

And I just can’t go on

The same

Protecting your name

I have rights

This Violence in Me

Has gone to ash

Watch as I take flight

I am Phoenix

And you are

Cold

Empty

And

Gone

© 2018 Raechel

Repentance

I am sadistic

In it’s rarest form

Believing in

Justice

And righteousness

You preach with your lies

A tongue made of sand

Now I’m grown

Watch me stand

You crumble beneath me

The vermin everyone

Knows you are

Tell me

How much my innonence costs?

Now I’m too old for your hands

Never supportive

All you did was tear me down

And grow me up

Before I was three

No rainbow blankets for me

Scrubbed in the shower

How very dirty

Were your hands

And I punished my own

Tied behind me

Passed around the crowd

Jeering

Lullabies

Are nightmares

You unworthy whore

Deliverance

Will serve you

On a platter to your king

You will all receive

The revenge

You deserve

Mother Earth

Is who truly gave me birth

This life and the next

Don’t be vexed

It’s just the cost of my innocence

Your slimy

Unworthy repentance

© 2018 Raechel